2011 was a great year for dating and relationships, and it was a terrible year for dating and relationships. For example, that Kardashian divorce was totally awful. But it was great because we couldn’t stop watching it. (Seriously, if it hadn’t happened, what would we be talking about right now?)
In that spirit — and in the hopes of having a better dating year, collectively, in 2012 — we’ve rounded up the biggest dating and relationship fails of 2011. They will likely have two possible effects on you: you will either feel nauseous, or you’ll feel like a (relatively speaking) master of dating and relationships. Because hey — at least you didn’t accidentally go out on a date with your brother. Pat yourself on the back, now. And read on.
1. In more ways than one, this excruciatingly awful marriage proposal video makes our list of 2011 fails. From the terrible kitten reference, to the terrible cupcake reference, to the song, the extreme level of embarrassment, and the reference to Cinnabon, this marriage proposal takes the (tiny little cup)cake for the worst one of all time. Dude, what are you doing?
Related: 7 Dating Tips from Adorable Children on Youtube
2. Crowd-sourcing dating tips sounds like it is a bad idea because it is a bad idea, and if you’re still doubting, ask yourself if “praying together to the altar of Budweiser” is solid advice for people seriously looking for a relationship. We’d expect more from a school that averages, what, like 1900 on the SATs. The smart kids must have been absent that day.
3. It’s been a year of terrible dating advice, thanks to the Millionaire Matchmaker’s Patti Stanger and her draconian, nonsensical rules. I don’t know what’s worse, her anti-curls agenda or the fact she doesn’t think girls should pay for dinner. Ever. At least not with money.
4. The country is divided right now, politically. But there is one thing Dems, Republicans, and Tea Party-ers can agree upon: Kim Kardashian’s wedding was just so effed up. So in a way, K-Fail is a gift to America. It has brought us together in a way that nothing — not our hatred for the terrorists, not our collective confusion about Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan, not Obama’s adorable puppy — could.
5. Ooooo. Rosie proposes to her girlfriend after just three months because come on! She’s “49 and gay”. She can do whatever she wants! I bet she can even play Words with Friends during take-off on airplanes. Also, did anyone see the actual proposal? I bet it went down sort of like the Cinnabon thing (see #1 on this list).
6. I thought that GOOP’s Gwyneth Paltrow loved rules. Don’t eat solid food all the time! Every time you jet to Paris, make sure to stock up on goods at the pharmacy! Only name your children really chic Biblical references! But apparently the star’s code of conduct is all loosey-goosey when it comes to adulterers. “That’s their problem but I think that the more I live my life, the more I learn not to judge people for what they do,” she said. What a non-judgmental piece of sweetie pie she is!
7. You are not watching an SNL skit, you are watching a real, live first kiss between virgins, and Lord Baby Jesus is it awful. I bet they wished they had shacked up now. Nothing — not even a first class ticket to Heaven — is worth having these embarrassing nuptials. Have these kids even turned their TVs on before? We couldn’t kiss like that if we tried.
8. We sure did learn a lot in 2011, didn’t we? Like when your wedding photographer shows up with scars all over his face from his latest cage fight, don’t let him shoot your wedding. You’ll get too much feet, you know? If you must go cage fighter, at least find the guy who won.
9. We’re not saying that making your twitter handle @mrshusbandslastname will always lead to divorce. But it might. And it did.
Related: 7 Tips for Dealing With Social Media During a Breakup
10. Don’t let your grandma set you up. Don’t let your ex set you up. Don’t let your agent set you up. Any questions?
11. Scarjo was dressed slutty in the wrong part of town and she asked for it — right? Um, wrong. Let’s stop blaming her for her nude pics leaking. If she had leaked them on purpose, we bet she would have been doing something cool in them like taming lions or something.
12.We hope you like burning brown lunch sacks filled with dog poo, Madonna, because after your rude comment about a gift you received from a fan, that’s what you’re getting next time. Oh — unless you loathe flaming dog poo, of course. In that case, we ask not what our celebrity can do for us, but what we can do for our celebrity.
13. If you tattoo your vagina, you are taking a serious risk because what if the man or woman of your dreams isn’t in to that?!? That is a big what if, but when it comes to tattoos, let’s explore all possibilities. Also, there is only one thing worse than a tattooed vag, and that’s a saggy, tattooed vag. And we feel like that’s inevitable, here.
14. If you, like some haters out there, are icked that Chaz Bono was a contestant on Dancing With the Stars, you can challenge him to a dance off. Because that guy would kick your vagina or penis or whatever you have or don’t have. Who cares? We don’t. Go Chaz!
15. I’m not sure if this woman who used Match.com to earn $1200 a month irks me because she is cheapening the sanctity of dating, or because I didn’t think of her cagey idea first. Just kidding. It’s totally the first one. But if I had thought of this first, think about how much richer I’d be. How many of those little Starbucks cake pop things can you buy with $1200? YUM! I mean, yuck. This lady sickens me.
16. Did you hear about the investment banker who wrote that super insulting cover letter to bully his date into giving him a second chance? Well let me tell you… Wait! Breaking news just in to the Date Report! LAUREN CHANGED HER MIND! SHE WANTS A SECOND DATE! SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED! HE WENT TO JARED!
Related: “Pulling a Perry”: 5 Ways to Recover from a First Date Gaffe
17. Single and ready to mingle at the University of Southern California? You’re in luck! With the help of Armando Romero, a creepy alum using his alma mater to promote his creepy/stupid dating service, you’ll be picking up chicks all over the place, like pick up sticks! They’ll be flying to your face like magnets! They’ll be raining down on you like men in that song by The Weather Girls. Oh wait, what? It was shut down? How are young, strapping USC lads supposed to get laid now?
18. Jesus loves love. Love your neighbor, he said! Love your enemy, even! Invite them to Passover! Unless they’re a different race. When they’re a different race, all bets are off. That’s how this small church in Kentucky seemed to interpret The Savior’s message, anyway, by kicking out two of their members for being an interracial couple. It’s 2011, not 1911. And even then — not cool.
19. Michelle Bachmann, when we want your bat-sh*t crazy dating advice, we’ll ask you for it. But we didn’t this time. That’s the thing.
20. There are certain red flags to look for when scanning online dating profiles. He doesn’t want kids “EVER OH JESUS NO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NEVER”? All of his pics are of him… holding plants in front of face? And it doesn’t even say he likes plants? Also, he is in the military, loves you sososo much but can never meet you in person, needs a butt ton of money asap, and shows you all these phony military documents as proof that he’s in the army just to swindle you into forking over your life savings. Hey, it happens.
21. Houston’s Toni Jo Silvey became instantly famous (F-list famous, not Holly Robinson Peete-famous) for calling her ex, Peter Main, 1,001 times in three months. But what’s more impressive is how she shattered several of the guys’ windows with a tire iron and then a 5-foot sword. If you’re dating a woman who owns a 5-foot sword, or knows where to get a 5-foot sword, I think it’s time to have a conversation about it.This whole thing could have been avoided if Main had used this question as a first-date ice breaker.
22. If you have to stalk your own girlfriend, it’s time to get a new girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or a stamp collection. Whatever you do, please don’t get a HowAboutWe account.
23. Albert B. Loveringly’s (I know, right?) online dating profile reads totally normal, until you get to the end. “Handsome, Sensual, Warm and Kind professional man who enjoys art, travel, film, Mozart and Bach, jazz and blues, collecting antiques, history, PBS, BBC, British humour, long French kisses, holding hands, star gazing, quiet evenings at home, dining out.” You forgot about long walks on the beach, bro! We’re on to you.
If you see this online profile, don’t bite. This guy will tell you he loves you then try to get you to send him money, or, I don’t know, buy him Nazi rings or something. Got to give him points for creativity.
24. If your online relationship starts with Mafia Wars and does not end in matrimony, do not be surprised. Do not sue your faux-SO. I didn’t think I’d ever have to tell you that, but some people need very specific dating instructions, apparently.
25. If you’re dumping your date with harsh critiques, stick to three lengthy, obnoxious paragraphs, not ten, like OompaLoompa did in his post-date bash email to MissLonelyhearts. Then again, he does redeem himself with the advice for her father at the end. He should have added to that list of pros he wrote about himself: selfless and thoughtful toward others in any situation.
Related: The 9 Most Common Excuses for Dumping Someone
26. Tragedy struck Beautifulpeople.com when a virus allowed 30,000 ugly people to slip through the cracks, onto the site, where they were told they were beautiful enough to date in Beautifulpeople.com’s exclusive dating pool when in fact they were so not. When the error was realized, the rejects were kicked off the site, and that’s sad. But wait! Beautifulpeople.com offered them counseling services to help them lick their wounds. Maybe they can start a new site for the uglies and get them going on dates, because surely even they have lots of admirable qualities and lots to offer. Just not so much that they can date beautiful people.
27. Here’s a fail in the most classic sense: When you go on a blind date, you like to think the person at the other side of the table is not your brother or sister. But sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and sometimes you find yourself one margarita away from having sex with your sibling. At least you probably have lots in common. Like a love for the ballet, a similar nose shape (good for sharing binoculars at the ballet), or a mother.
28. Here at HowAboutWe, we like to think that there’s someone out there for everyone. But if you’re ripping off other people’s dating profiles, we don’t have a lot of hope for you. Maybe you should try Beautifulpeople.com.
29. Seriously, do celebrities think before they talk? Kellan Lutz, all this strawberries and champagne nonsense makes me absolutely positive you are a homosexual trying to fool the masses using reports of sickeningly romantic chiches with your mustache girlfriend Jessica Szohr, because even if you actually did this, you have to know that nobody wants to hear about it, and your analysis of it was incredibly out of touch.
30. Finally, this isn’t necessarily dating related, but falling down and getting hit in the face a lot really sucks. It stings, kind of like getting dumped on your birthday and then being told you’re ugly and lazy and that’s why you got dumped. I mean, ouch